Separating from a loved one can be a devastating, life altering, and traumatic experience. Depending on the reasons for the breakdown in your relationship, you may also have signs or symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. You will likely experience an array of intense emotions that flip back and forth, such as:
- frustration, powerlessness, and anger
- desperation
- loneliness and sadness
- at ready stance for entering a battle
- confusion and shame or feelings of rejection
- pervasive thoughts that repeat themselves over and over in your mind
- shock and bewilderment
- a significant sense of wanting to give up
- relief that you do not have to continue on the same merry-go-round
- despair at losing the family unit that you thought was there for life
There are many more to add to this list but the great new is, all of these emotions are perfectly normal and you are at the start of a new chapter. It may not feel like it at this moment but there is life beyond separation and divorce. Most people do not get married, or join their homes, with the plan to separate or divorce. It is an unfortunate reality in many homes across the world with the divorce rate climbing each year.
No one is ever really prepared for the fall out of a divorce and the grief is quite similar to that of losing a loved one suddenly to death. Everything you thought you had under control is now out of your control. Your routines will change, the amount of time you spend with your children will change, your social circles will change, and your home may change. All of this feels foreign and unfamiliar, scary even. In addition, if you didn’t initiate the separation or divorce to start with, the myriad of emotions may be felt far more intensely.
Managing your emotions through your divorce will seem almost impossible at the beginning, as you try to put memories behind you and adjust to your new life.
What Comes Next?
Coming to terms with the ending of your relationship emotionally may be one of the greater challenges, depending on the reason for your separation. Most often one party of the relationship began emotionally separating months, or even years, before the physical separation. Following the physical separation, there will come a litany of tasks to complete. If you know the relationship is over 100% you may be looking for guidance on how to protect yourself.
Hiring a lawyer, understanding the divorce and family court system, deciding on parenting times and plans, budgeting as a single income household, and maintaining routines for your children are some of the tasks that will need to be completed almost immediately following a formal separation.
Of course, there are many other things that will be needed as well, especially if your separation involves the dissolution of debts and assets, changes in employment status, medical concerns, or other situations unique to your family that were better managed as a team.
This may seem like a lot to think about and that’s because it is! When most people are facing divorce, lawyers often case manage the entire situation, including their client’s emotional turmoil and daily functioning. This prevents your legal team from focusing on what you hire them to do, and which is practicing law. It is better to put your money to better use by seeking alternative support who can assist with the many tasks you will face.
What You Can Do Right Now
Protecting your rights and your future may be overwhelming if you are going it alone. A systematic approach can help keep you focused and knowing what the next steps are is imperative. Things that are important to do right now are:
- Keep a list of the day-to-day tasks
- Get a calendar you can write appointments on – a counter style is preferred if your children are in activities so you don’t double book
- Keep a journal that is specific to your emotions daily – some days will be much better than others
- Keep a diary of all events or conversations with your ex-spouse, particularly if he/she is high-conflict
- Keep a list of the professionals you will need to meet with and their contact information
- Keep your activity on social media to a minimum and do not berate your ex-spouse on social media
- Stay in contact with close friends and family
- Begin building your support team (lawyer, counselor, divorce consultant, child therapist etc)
- Keep a running list of things you will need soon (pay stubs, bills, receipts for everything, logs of altercations etc)
- Start gathering all documentation and file it in chronological order.
If you find you are in extreme distress, are isolated, and do not feel you are able to cope please visit the Government of Canada site for a list of Crisis Lines in your area. Separation and Divorce Consulting takes the mental health of all individuals seriously and no one needs to be alone or suffering in their greatest time of need.
Separation and Divorce Consulting offers a full complement of services at every stage of a separation or divorce, including high-conflict cases with a trauma-informed focus on child development and domestic violence.
